If you are a parent, you could probably do with some stress relief. I am sure you can relate to what I am about to say.
By the end of the day, I’m often really scraping the bottom of the barrel. My patience, energy, acceptance, tolerance and love all seem to be vapours, and bedtime is stressful.
When the last of “I need a drink, I need the toilet, I’m not tired, I’m hungry, it’s too dark, it’s too bright, they won’t be quiet, I can’t sleep, my sports uniform is dirty and I need it tomorrow” is done, just the thought of another child at the top of the stairs can be enough to make my blood boil.
Sometimes the moment has passed, but I am still going over it in my mind. The thoughts keep the frustration going.
Those shoes meant more than shoes
So I land in a heap on the couch and release a sigh. I take a moment for myself to just be at peace. I glance over, and there are my daughter’s sneakers and dirty socks on the end of the couch.
I say to my husband, “Her stuff is just everywhere! When I ask her to put it away she says ‘sure’, only to move it from that spot and put it down in another.”
The frustration starts to mount because those shoes represent something. And the thoughts start to spiral.
I’m not a good mother because I can’t get my kid to put her stuff away. I have a lazy child. I have a distracted child. She’s never going to remember. How is she ever going to look after herself when she’s older? I’ve made so many mistakes raising these kids. Or perhaps she’s learned it from me, or my husband, and now I’m looking for someone to blame.
All of that meaning, from a pair of shoes.
A different meaning, a different reaction
We give meaning to what happens around us. Often we do it so quickly that we notice the feeling before we notice the thoughts behind it.
If I dwell on those judgments, how do I feel? And when I feel that way, what thoughts come next? Around and around it goes. I can move from shoes on a couch to fears about my child’s future and doubts about my parenting in seconds.
My husband, bless him, just looked at me and said:
“Those shoes won’t be there forever.”
And in that moment, the meaning changed.
Those shoes had sat there all night and all day. But when I looked at them now, they meant I was blessed to have this beautiful child. I felt love and gratitude.
The shoes hadn’t moved. My perspective had.
Making room for the parent you want to be
That is what reframing means to me: noticing the meaning I have given something, and finding another way to see it.
It doesn’t mean I never ask my children to put their things away. It gives me room to make that request from a different place, with more connection and less of the story I was building around it.
Instead of being carried straight into an old reaction, I can pause and ask: what am I making this mean? Is there another meaning that helps me respond as the parent I want to be?
If familiar frustrations keep turning into the same arguments, parenting coaching offers support to explore those patterns and build more connection in your family.
Now that is something worth dwelling on. Much love, Skye x
This story first appeared as “The shoes!!!!” in 2019, was expanded in 2021, and is now brought together here on Family Coaching.